Somehow, someway, I managed to end up drinking again tonight. Albeit I wasn't drinking alone, but it's the thought that counts. I plan on writing a much larger entry tomorrow...but for tonight, I have a date at a pier to catch...

I'm famished and it's 11:30 at night...what should I eat?
Oh, and today I heard that muscle spasms can be caused by dehydration due to alcohol over-consumption.


Picture not even remotely related.

Here cometh the Monday..

I have a problem with addiction.

Don't read into that, just take it at face value -- I have a problem with addiction. I never had a (major) problem dealing with someone's addiction until recently. I'm not sure if a friends addiction bothers me because of my own insecurities, or because of my compassion towards them. Now, here the rant splits in two; please follow along. Also, note that 'addiction' refers to relatively minor vices...booze, pot, etc.

Insecurities:

I look down upon a friend when they give into addiction during a rehab period because it reflects my desire to give in to a vice. Thus, when a friend gives in, I see my own weakness and subsequently become incredibly irritated. I want to see them succeed in beating an addiction because it will empower my will and give me a tinge of satisfaction. Almost like living vicariously through someone else..

Compassion:

I told a friend recently that I could care less if they give in. It's not me they're letting down, it's only themselves...I want to see them succeed, I want to see them better their lives...not that it benefits me, it stems from my compassion for the human spirit. I'm almost a humanitarian in that respect. I love to see my friends succeed.. (insecurity alert -- do I long to see them succeed simply because I dont feel as though I'm not going anywhere in my own life?)

At this point, I'm answering my own questions. Though I honestly feel that should I reach the pinnacle of personal success, I would still desire to see those around me achieve their own goals. Hmm...

A major pet peeve, either way, is to be asked for advice or support during a trial in a friends life, (addiction definately included,) and have them willingly relapse right in front of me. It's like a slap in the face. Throwing my advice on the ground and spitting across it...better yet; taking a knife to a carefully constructed art piece of mine..the time, the effort, the desire slashed in front of me as tho the piece were worthless...

..I suppose this blog is my personal mental-health clinic. For once again, it has vanquished the fire with which I started this personal quest against a topic I've been stewing over.

G'night, all.

Amazing what a good sleep will do for you. I feel FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!

Have a great one, folks. I'm off to kick life's ass.

It's been a very 'blah' day.

One of those days where nothing in particular is bringing you down, so you assume it's a combination of little things. You know you'll snap out of it by tomorrow or maybe even later today, so you endure.

You spend the day with that little rain cloud hanging over your head, not soaking you but keeping you damp. The cloud's name is 'Blah'.

Watching a good movie and taking your mind off things seems to blow Blah away for a time. I'm not sure what the fuck I'm talking about at this point so I'm gonna go prep for a good weekend.

_Matt

I can't believe I'm en route to making a computer-related career move.

I'm so fed up with formatting, cd's, WINDOWS, rebooting, drivers and all related headaches...I've spent two days tweaking all the computers in the household (a long and extremely frustrating process!) and naturally, when I go to boot up my own, the power-supply blows out: smoking and sizzling generously to make a statement.

I came here to rant and I suppose to gawk at how small these problems seem when in print :p

I HOPE I didn't lose my harddrive and other paraphenilia (sp?)...*shudder..*

Night, all.

P.S. - For the especially sharp readers who're pondering the means with which I'm posting this now, I do have a rather reliable laptop (knock on wood).

What does one think of when one hears the words 'hot box cafe'?

If you imagine a small, mismatched crowd of rather hungry patrons you're not that far off...as long as you're sure to add a thick cloud of smoke hanging over their heads. (Cigarette smoke occupies only a small portion of that cloud..)

I'm not really a grass-smoker. There was a time when I felt safe to indulge but I've been clean for almost a year, now. Scout's honor! Of course this baits the question 'why would you voluntarily head off to the Hot Box cafe?!'

I'm still trying to convince myself it was for the cultural experience.

The atmosphere was very relaxed, the decor was exactly what you'd expect. Smoking is prohibited indoors but welcomed on the patio behind the establishment. That's where my pot-positive compadre' and I grabbed a seat.

Now, before I continue, let me just expand a little on why I've been THC free:

I don't have a mind that reacts well to that sort of influence. I don't freak out or lose my cool, but I don't seem to make any positive uses out of the experience either. Mostly, I just dwell on the distortions the drug causes, as well stress myself out in all manner of ways...hell, usually just resulting in a chain of panic-attacks. In short, I suppose, I become ultra-paranoid of the drug itself. Rediculous? You know it. But that's the intricate network of cogs and levers I was dealt in this life lol.

So there we were, enjoying the sights and sounds of the patio and deciding on what to order. At this point, I notice the air becoming progressively 'denser'...the aroma of weed was becoming unescapable. (I could probably stop here as the rest of the story is basically setup, but there's a big fat point I want to make :p) By 8 o'clock I had to leave the place. I didn't know why, but I just had to...something wasn't right. I walked out to the dark, still street and paced a little, trying to get a grip. The inevitable still hadn't occurred to me. I got my shit togather and marched back to the table.

'We have to go. I just don't wanna be here anymore, man!'
'Um..ok. We'll pay for this and head out?'

Standing at the register, I realized I had been watching a fan rotate for a lengthy chunk of time....FUCK.

I had forgotten this cursed feeling...now to deal with it as best I can! The ride home was...eventful...lol gah...not impressed. Too many rediculous thoughts to even consider posting...the big fat point I was going for is this:

I left the cess-pool at EIGHT and now, at 1:45 in the a.m., I swear trace amounts of the chronic still seep into my consciousness. I want to sleep so bad its retarded...but closing my eyes merely brings me to the brink of dreamland, where a flurry of intoxicated thoughts snaps me awake. Rinse and repeat as necessary.

I'm hoping this warm milk and honey'll do the trick. I'm bloody out of it from the lack of sleep to begin with...pretty sure I'm toying with myself in mistaking sleepless nonsense for weed induced panic attacks. Almost at the bottom of the mug now. Wish me luck!!

*Sigh* I (day)dream of having a normal mindset..

You wouldn't know it, but 90% of my entries are written on the fly; usually while I'm in the middle of some other task (in this case, cleaning). The cottaginization was spectacular...I managed to bronze a little. The beer didn't stop flowing but then niether did the great times. I wish I could put into words the feelings invoked by being dependant on the elements instead of your next paycheque. It's intoxicating and I seem to jump at every chance to do it.

The cottage itself had a lovely deck and was 30 ft. from the edge of a..um...well I don't want to use the word 'cliff', but thats essentially what it was - overlooking the massive lake, of course. There was a sketchy set of stairs pounded into the incline, leading down to the water's edge. I would highly recommend -not- attempting the descent in the dark, intoxicated, or otherwise!

I had several intense sessions of meditation by the waterside, one of which took place on a massive boulder several feet out into the water! Loved every moment of it...although if I had one gripe about the 3 days there, it would be the water. It wasn't ice cold, but it didn't exactly feel heated, either..

The sunrise/sunsets were just incredible...I had always thought that the sunsets I saw on TV were played in fast-forward until I saw with my own eyes: a lovely ball of red dip into the horizon behind the lake. Couldn't have lasted more than 45 sec. It was a little weird.

On a final note, there is nothing more liberating and fulfilling then opening your eyes in the early morning hours and seeing a beautiful body of water glistening back at you. Amazing..

**There are pictures floating around on a number of different cameras but I'll have to scope those out, unfortunately :p

Ah yes - that time again.

Cottage timeee :D

Be there 'till Sunday night..

Naturally, I'll keep all of you in mind. *Bows modestly..*

Have a great weekend, everyone. I shall speak with you in a few days...

_Dark.